Eulogy & POEM by Michael Golub

Eulogy

My Dad, Murray Golub. Always looked at the glass as half full. He always felt that he was so lucky to survive and have us to help him continue to survive. Murray suffered so incredibly much physically which took its toll mentally, yet he never complained. My Dad sets the bar so high for handling and enduring the most amount of pain I could imagine happening to one person. My Dad sacrificed everything to stay with us as long as he could, right to the very end; right to his last breaths and heartbeat, literally.

My Dad suffered with Type 1 Diabetes his entire life since the age of 11. He was never supposed to live this long, nor was I ever supposed to be born due to this scenario. His living was a true gift. Dad had his legs and some of his fingers amputated. His kidneys failed. His heart attacks, intense sporadic phantom pains, etc...and through all of this he did not complain. It exhausted him but he stayed strong and would sleep it off and smile at us.

My Dad had a twisted sense of humor which we definitely both share. He was the one who really wanted me to become a firefighter/paramedic and I wanted to after engineering because I felt I could intervene in emergent scenarios in his life which would extend his life span. And it did. My training came into play. When it came to intervening and/or saving his life in the triple digits. That is how unwell he truly was.

On the day of my Dad's passing, I came to visit. I will not give all the details but I will disclose some. Once again my training was kicking in. I asked him how he was feeling and he clearly was not feeling well. After doing an assessment on him and checking his vital signs, I was scared for him. I said, "Dad, we need to talk". He said, "Ok, I will go to the hospital", which he hated doing.

He told my Mom the previous day that he refused to go any more. I happened to be wearing my Firefighter scrubby t-shirt. He took so much pride in knowing what I do that when I called 911 and my co-workers showed up, he started his usual jokularity. He was smiling and humorous.

Four of my Firefighter brothers showed up as did two paramedics. Dad liked when I ran the show, so I did for his best interest. He was happy knowing that I was taking the lead of the professionals and doing what needed to be done in order to get him the best care and expedite his tri to the emergency department as quickly and as comfortably as possible. He continued to smile and joke in spite of feeling awful with his shock like symptoms an pale white face. When I had arrived at the hospital, things started going downhill very quickly for him. His blood pressure dropped along with his conciousness. I rushed the doctors in and they rushed and panicked to get him into the resuscitation emergency operating room.

My Mom and I followed him in. Sparing details and detailed description, the process of life saving techniques went on for the better part of an hour. I insisted they keep tryin gthe emerency protocols until there was no hope. During this, my Mom and I yelled at Dad that we were here and he was not alone. About a decade ago, my Dad told me he wanted me by his side the day he died. That has been haunting me ever since. But I did it. I was there with him to the end. I just couldn't save him this time. His INR level from the blood thinner Warfarin was too high and Murray lost his life due to this with complications. Anyone who wants to know details can speak to me privately and I will disclose some.

In closing, Murray Golub, my Dad is an absolute hero and is the strongest person I have ever met. We bonded with stories, music, jokes, the enjoyment of Clear Lake, cuddling, swimming, piano, wrestling...the list is endless.

I love him so much that this is a complete nightmare for me and I wish that I could wake up. He will forever and always be missed. I know him so well that I know what he would feel and say to nearly any scenario. I am an extension of him as is my brother and mother. His spirit will live on through us.

I am glad my Dad did not have to suffer any more. As painful as it is to see him gone, this was a blessing in disguise because now he can finally rest. I saw my Dad after the life left his body. He had no grimmace or look of pain. His eye are closed, eyebrows slightly raised and he looks like he was sleeping. Sleep now Dad and rest. I love you always and forever.

I wear this uniform today to keep my Dad proud of what he created. His eyes always lit up when I came to visit after work and showed up in uniform. I will continue to do what I do to honour him. I love you Dad. Goodbye. See you in about 50 years if everything goes as planned.

Poem

I seek the night, I heal the day, I kill the pain, make it all go away. Feel my breath upon thy soul, take the test for you to hold.

Dry the tears, make me sane, knock the fears, stress my brain. I'm here in chains in front of thee. Kill the pain. Heal the need. Fear of death. Hear the scream. Who's next? Heal me. Pale white, metal doors, cold fright, in the morgue. Fear me my memory, heal me my destiny. Once my king, now my anger, heal me that everything. This is not fair. I so very care. Who's life was lead now is bare. The nightmare, I get along. I gotta care. I gotta be strong. What doesn't kill makes you tough. Continuous drill. He's had enough. What doesn't stop, goes on and on. Until you drop. Then life goes on. Gotta be strong.